Latest WIP interview!

This interview is with Ahmed El Karim, who is an interesting fellow. And not the easiest to talk to. 


Why don’t you give me the dating ap breakdown? The what now?


The dating site rundown? I have no idea what that is.


You’ve never heard of online dating? I’ve heard of it. I don’t know what the point is.


People want to meet and hook up. Why? People are the fucking worst.


Well … I’m not sure how to respond to that. Because it’s true and you know its true.


Even the humans you work with? I work with one human. The rest of them aren’t.


Esme may be a witch, but she’s still human. I was talking about her.


Oh. Logan’s human, despite angel blood in his family. That’s debatable. Angels are the fucking worst.


I thought humans were. Everyone’s the fucking worst. Humans, angels, demons. Pieces of shit all.


What about your species? I’m pretty sure I’m a species of one, and no, I’m not immune from the piece of shit designation either. It’s a good thing the world’s ending in twelve years, because fuck us. Humans have ruined everything. Time for the animals to have a crack at things without us.


If you really feel that way, why are you trying to stop the apocalypse? Because the angels and demons wiping everyone out really doesn’t work for me. I’ll be left behind, and while the solitude will be nice for a hundred years or so, I’ll miss new fashions.


Wait – you’d think you’d survive the apocalypse? I know I would. I survive everything. I always do, even when I’d rather not.


So you’re immortal? In a sense. I think I qualify as undead. I’m a mummy.


Oh. So you’re not all wrapped in bandages and stuff? No. I don’t command an army of scarabs either, so don’t even ask.


But you have some kind of cool power, right? Does being sentient sand count as a cool power?


What? I’m sand. Living sand. I don’t have flesh or blood anymore. Somehow I’m sand.


Are you like – You’re not going to say Sandman from the Spider-Man movies, are you?


…No. I can’t increase my volume of sand. I am always the same amount as I started with. I don’t need to breathe, eat, or sleep. I can be stronger than you weak ass bastards, if I want. I can do a lot of things if I want. I rarely do, because none of you are worth it.


So what you’re wearing ..? An approximation of a garment. But based on a real Miyake design.



It’s so … loud. It’s not loud, it’s bold. Fashion is about taking chances. If you want to look like every other asshole, go buy your clothes at Walmart.


Rude. But true. Conformity is for the weak.


You can say that, because you’re a mummy. True. It’s hard to conform when you’re a species of one.


There really aren’t any other mummies? Not that I’m aware of. And you’d think, after all these centuries, I’d have at least heard of another.


How old are you? A few hundred years. I actually stopped counting after two hundred. Who cared?


How did you get turned into a mummy? I don’t remember. In fact, most of my memories past the 1920’s get fuzzy. There’s things here and there, but that’s it.


Did you piss someone off? I’m a mummy. I think that goes without saying.


Was it your sparkling personality? Jealousy is such an ugly thing. Speaking of loud wardrobes, you know I can see yours, right?


This interview is over. I wasn’t going to tell them about the rainbow gloves, if that’s what makes you jumpy.


You just did. Did I? Huh. Funny.

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