Flash Fic: The Days of Our O’Sullivans

So, this Tweet came up on my Twitter feed –
@WritingPrompts
A sitcom family moves to a soap opera neighborhood, has trouble fitting in.
#writingprompts #writing – and how could I not, really?

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The Days of Our O’Sullivans

Open: Patriarch Dave O’Sullivan knocks on the next door neighbor’s door, the Mulvaneys.

Dave: Howdy neighbor! Can I come in?

(Audience responds with knowing chuckles)

Dave opens door and peeks inside, only to see fabulously wealthy and glamorous Sable Mulvaney crying decorously on the sofa.

Dave: Oh no! Sable, what’s wrong?

Sable: Oh, Dave! You remember my first husband, St. John Worthington?

(Dave approaches couch slowly)

Dave: Er, umm … maybe?

(Audience chuckles)

Sable: He was the wealthy oil magnet and stunt pilot. Supposedly he died when his plane went down in the Amazon when he was doing a show for the Brazillian President?

(Dave looks bewildered by this.)

Dave: If you say so.

(Audience laughs)

Sable: I just found out he’s alive! He had amnesia, and reconstructive surgey, and my long lost sister, Briar, found him and married him! He now thinks he’s a man named Barret Gilroy! And Briar says she’s pregnant!

(Dave has paused, and looks very confused.)

Dave: Uh … that … huh. So your husband is really your brother-in-law?

(Sporadic chuckles from audience)

Sable: And my marriage to Cullen is now null and void, because St. John isn’t dead! How am I going to break the news to our son, Brick, who may or may not be his?

(Dave opens his mouth to respond, then stops. He continues looking confused for several seconds.)

Dave: Wait … what?

(Scattered laughter)

(Sable dabs away her tears with a lacy handkerchief)

Sable: It wouldn’t be so bad if I knew what had happened to Brick’s twin, who was kidnapped from the hospital after he was born. Cullen was so sure crime boss Dino Antonio had him kidnapped, but we’ve never been able to prove it! And of course, the moment Dino turns up dead, they arrest Cullen for it.

(Dave holds up a measuring cup)

Dave: I … I was just wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar.

(So few laughs those that do laugh stand out)

(Sable scoots to the edge of the couch, head and breasts held high)

Sable: As if Cullen would have the guts to kill that blackmailing slime ball. He never did have the stomach for violence.

(The door opens, making Dave jump. In storms Stone Steel, a hunky man with long hair and an eye patch)

Stone: Sable, is it true? Is my half-brother alive?

(Sable stands, and almost throws herself into Stone’s arms, but he catches her by the shoulders and holds her back)

Sable: It’s true. Briar sent me a picture. Even with the surgery, I’d recognize those steel blue eyes anywhere.

Stone: I can’t believe it. Maybe I’ll finally find out the truth about who murdered our father.

(Sable sinks into Stone’s chest)

Sable: Oh Stone, it doesn’t have to change anything between us.

(Stone holds her back at arm’s length)

Stone: Yes it does. You’re married to my cousin, and if you didn’t forget, I’m still a priest.

(Dave starts slowly walking backwards to the door)

Dave: I’m just … I’m gonna go. Clearly this is a bad time.

(Before he can reach it, the door opens, and perky Annabel O’Sullivan strides in)

Annabel: Here you are! Timmy told me you were trying to make brownies for the PTA meeting tomorrow.

Dave: Honey, maybe we should just go home …

(Stone turns his head)

Stone: Annabel! What are you doing here?

(Annabel seems surprised to see him, and grabs Dave’s arm possessively)

Annabel: Just came to get my husband, Father Steel.

(Dave looks surprised)

Dave: You know him?

(Annabel seems slightly flustered)

Annabel: We met at bingo night. Remember, when I lost my car keys, and thought the dog ate them, but you had actually taken them to go get a copy made because your own key broke in the lock?

(Stone lets go of Sable, and walks towards the O’Sullivans)

Stone: Is that all it was to you? Bingo night? We had a real connection. I felt your soul, Anna.

Dave: What?

Sable: What?

(Audience oohs)

(Annabel holds up her hand and points at it)

Annabel: Ixnay on the soulay around husband-ay.

(Audience laughs uncomfortably)

(Stone grabs Annabel by the arms and pulls her to him)

Stone: You are my soulmate, Annabel Elizabeth O’Sullivan.

(Stone kisses Annabel passionately.)

(Audience oohs.)

(A door slam is heard deeper in the house, and Blaze Tremont, Sable’s best frenemy, appears)

Blaze: You cad!

(Blaze stomps over to Stone and Annabel, and when they break their kiss and look at her, she slaps Annabel)

Blaze: You told me we had something special!

(Dave looks helplessly at the camera)

Dave: Can someone tell me what’s going on here?

(V.O: Please tune in next week to The Days of Our O’Sullivans!)

**

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