Coming To A Theater Near You …

Thanks to Jenn Burke and her typo for this flash fic.


Fade in on a sunny, well appointed kitchen – basically a Martha Stewart kitchen, or a Williams-Sonoma catalog display come to life.

Voice Over (ominous male voice): From the producer of “Girls Gone Stabby”, and the director of “Don’t Open That Door” comes a new tale of shocking horror …

A woman enters the kitchen, followed by a man carrying grocery bags. They’re young and upwardly mobile, a bland sort of “every couple”.

Woman: It was so nice of that man at the farmer’s market to give away pies. What did he say they were made of again?

Man: Fruits from his greenhouse, I think? All I know is he called them Venus pies, and I am here for it.

They put groceries away, but the woman puts the pie box on the nearest counter, and the camera slowly zooms in on the box as the voice over continues.

Voice Over: Food should be safe. Food should be dead. But what happens when it’s not?

Box suddenly shifts by itself on the counter. Couple, out of focus in the background, don’t see it.

V.O.: What happen when it wants revenge?

Smash cut to well lit kitchen at night, and the woman picking up a sharp knife and approaching the pie box. As she looks away grab some plates, the pie box slowly opens on its own. Before she or the audience can see what’s inside, we smash cut to a different kitchen at night. A schlubby man is opening his pie box, armed only with a fork. When its fully open, slim tendrils lash out, wrap around his neck, and pull him face first into the pie. He struggles to get away and raise his head, but it’s clear he won’t as we smash cut back to a brightly lit, clean kitchen floor. The camera slowly pans as the voice over continues.

V.O.: This holiday season, don’t skip the dessert.

As the pan continues, smears of blood begin appearing on the floor, as does the knife and a broken plate from the previous scene.

V.O.: Run, before it gets you.

The pan ends as we see in the background a bloody woman’s foot, and front and center, that neat. closed pie box, now on the floor, seemingly pristine. But as the camera settles on it, the lid bounces slightly as a burp emanates from it.

V.O: Vampie! The whipped topping isn’t cream – it’s you!

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