Josh Vs The Fairies of Doom, Part 2

Josh reflexively ducked when the glass of the door shattered, although Colin didn’t seem the least bit surprised. And why would he? Clearly he’d been fighting these things before he came here.

Colin jumped over the counter, grabbed Josh, and pulled him down behind it for meager cover. There were sounds like pebbles smacking against the glass, but Josh was willing to bet it wasn’t pebbles. “How do we fight them?”

“Very carefully,” Colin said. Josh scowled at the terrible joke, but Colin added, “No, I mean that. Medusa would rather have them back alive. Luckily, reverse tooth fairies are tougher than they seem for three inch long insects that sound like if a squeaky toy could talk.”

“I could use some practical advice here,” Josh admitted. “Do we just use fly swatters or what?”

“Well, Medusa did give me a device to tranquilize them, but …” Colin pulled what looked like a handful of springs and assorted mechanical pieces out of his coat pocket. They spilled over his hand and hit the floor.

“So why do they have experimental weaponry and what is it?”

“Apparently they worked for Medusa’s sisters and then went rogue on them, which is a new level of crazy stupid.” Colin said, letting the remains of his weapon fall. “But as a result, she didn’t know what they had. And frankly, I’m still not sure. One of them has a zappy thing, and another has, like, a BB gun kind of thing? Only it can set things on fire too. And the zappy things feel pretty hot as well.”

“Please stop saying zappy things,” Josh said, rubbing his eyes. He looked beneath the counter they had their backs against, to see what they had for weaponry. The silver broom was here, for warding off werewolves. They could probably smack some fairies with it if the damn things would slow down for five seconds. Would it kill them or just annoy them? He imagined it depended on how hard you swung it.

“We could use plastic bags as nets,” Josh said, feeling like he had a great idea. He was reaching for them until he saw the skeptical look on Colin’s face.

“You do remember their main power set, right?”

“Changing coins into teeth? Yeah.”

“No, not that one. The other one.”

Josh scoured his mind, but he was a little distracted by the noise of high pitched squeaking, which was undoubtedly fairy speech. It would become more comprehensible as they got closer. “Uh …”

“They can pop in and out of dimensions at will.They don’t need the portal to travel here, or anywhere.”

“Oh, yeah.” Did he know that? He must have. Colin was saying it like he knew. “What does-” Josh began, but stopped himself. He finally realized Colin was implying that the fairies couldn’t be caught in nets, because they could just zap out of them. Well, at least while they were conscious.

“Try not to get shot,” Colin said, suddenly standing up. In a burst of vampire speed, he was gone in a blink, although Josh heard strange noises that could only be him fighting angry fairies with zappy things. (Damn it, now he had him thinking that way.)

Josh grabbed the broom and stood up, ready to bat the first fairy he saw into oblivion, but he was briefly startled by what he was looking at.

It looked like Colin was being swarmed by a half dozen neon dragonflies, in tiny, bright, Tron like suits that glowed in a rainbow of colors – blue, green, yellow, red, orange. It was kind of mesmerizing in a way, especially since tiny little bolts of whitish-blue energy occasionally would stab out from them and inevitably hit Colin or something behind him. Only when a bag of chips burst into flame did Josh get jolted out of his reverie. “Hey! Paws off the boyfriend, assholes!” Josh swung the broom at a couple of them, but of course he missed, the fairies winking out of existence like they had never been there.

Of course, they instantly popped back into the room, one of them right behind Josh, and it fired at him. Josh felt a sting on the back of his neck, as savage as a wasp sting, and he hissed as he turned, swinging his broom wildly. All he managed was to knock some candy bars off a rack.

Colin had vampire speed, and he was trying to use it to grab them, but the little fuckers kept dodging, or at least zapping away before popping back in again to shoot him. Colin’s speed was their only advantage, and it was no help at all.

Josh began to wonder what he could use as a weapon. He tossed the broom on the counter since it was too clumsy to work, and scanned the store. There was lots of potential here, especially if he could build a cannon that could shoot cans of beans, but Josh couldn’t even put together an Ikea bookshelf without a forty of malt liquor, Doug’s secondhand pot smoke, and a hammer for when he finally wanted to beat the thing to death.

Wait – beer! It was a weird idea, but he suddenly remembered that bees couldn’t fly if their wings got wet … which he wasn’t sure if it was true or not, because how would they deal with rain exactly? But no matter. He had no other ideas.

Josh dashed to the cold case and grabbed the first beverage he could get his hands on, which was a can of cheap beer. Josh surveyed the area and shook up the can, catching Colin’s eyes. “Clear!” he shouted, assuming Colin knew what he meant, before popping open the can in the direction of the fairies.

The beer fountained out impressively, back spray getting Josh as most of it splattered on the floor. He knew he got some of them, because he heard squeaks of distress, and some zipped out of sight. A couple fluttered towards the nearest shelves.

One on a shelf, closer to him than any fairy currently, pulled out a tiny megaphone – from where? – and shouted into it, “Why did you do that, you cockfuck? I gotta pick up my kids later! How do I do that smellin’ like a brewery?”

Josh was dumbfounded. By the fact that one of these fairies had kids, was picking them up, and that somehow it was blaming him for this. “You’re attacking us!” he replied. Seriously, the nerve of this winged prick.

The fairies on the shelves fluttered their wings, like they were trying to shake the beer off. Did that mean it was working? That wet wings were a pisser for them? Josh honestly couldn’t tell. Maybe they just hated getting wet, like a cat, or his grandmother after she put her “face” on. “Because that vampire fuckhat tried to capture us! Knocking over laundromats is a victimless crime! He can go fuck a can of turkey!”

Josh wished he could call a time out, because there was so much to unpack here. “Fuck a can of turkey?” he repeated, trying to fathom the meaning of that. Did turkey even come in cans? “Wait a minute. You’re knocking over laundromats? You can just get soap from a store, you know.”

“Where’s the fucking fun in that?”

That also caught Josh off guard. He was accustomed to foul mouthed fairies, thanks to that fucking asshole Gary, but this breed of reverse tooth fairy was kind of new to him. So did he just assume, as a group, they were all obnoxious and unpleasant? That felt kind of racist.

Suddenly, one of the fairies he missed popped into existence right in front of him. “Gimme that bracelet, you shit filled meat sack!” The fairy produced a shockingly long knife out of nowhere – was this somehow related to their dimension hopping qualities? Josh had no idea how these fleabags always produced things they couldn’t possibly be carrying – and brought it down on the Medusa gauntlet he wore on his right wrist. The knife tip barely touched it, and yet the blade and fairy turned to stone so fast Josh hadn’t realized it had happened until the fairy fell, and shattered on the floor.

“Well, that theory’s shot to shit,” one of the shelf fairies said.

“What theory?” Josh asked, trying to determine which one spoke to him. He honestly couldn’t tell.

“If we tried to remove the cocking bracelet without intending to hurt you, it wouldn’t turn us to fucking stone.”

Josh had no idea how his bracelet could tell the difference between a playful Colin love bite or a menacing one, or how it could channel Medusa’s power. He knew nothing about it. Except, as a rule, it wouldn’t allow monsters to hurt him. “You wanted to steal my bracelet?” This was genuinely confounding.

One of the fairies made a movement that could have been a shrug. “Why not? Somethin’ to do. Besides, what did you shit weasel do to merit that kinda power, huh? Ass baby.”

Josh was wondering how high these motherfuckers were on soap, when there was a blur and tiny colorful things, maybe half the size of a push pin, embedded themselves in the fairies’ wee torsos. One by one, they either collapsed on the shelf or fell to the floor. Colin was suddenly standing right beside him. “Thanks for the distraction.”

“What did you do? I thought your thingamajig was broken.”

“My weapon? Yeah, it is. I improvised.” Colin held up his hand, and showed Josh a rubber band. It took Josh a few seconds to realize he’d used it to launch the projectiles, using his vampire strength to make up for the lack of a greater propelling element.

Colin had a plastic bag, and he started picking up fairies and dropping them in. They weren’t completely unconscious, as some of them were giggling. “What did you give them?”

“Vampire venom. It works like LSD on them, and it gives them a two day hangover where they are fucking useless. They deserve it too, the little dickbags.”

Josh couldn’t argue with that. They probably deserved worse. He then saw the crumbs of the one that had turned to stone and shattered. “Sorry about that one.”

“Don’t be. That was the bracelet’s doing, not yours.” As soon as he had all the fairies in the bag, he tied off the top of it with the rubber band, and said, “I’ve got to take these back to Dev. But then I’ll be back.”

Josh pulled him closer, by the collar of his slightly singed shirt. “You promise?”

“Of course I do. We have a date, don’t we?” Colin gave him a quick kiss and a smile before disappearing, leaving behind nothing but a cool breeze redolent of smoke.

It took a moment for Josh to realize he hadn’t heard the door close behind Colin, and turned to see that the frat guys from before were standing there, gaping in at him. Josh was trying to dream up a believable excuse when the overgrown Eleven turned to the guy in the hat, and said, “Dude, these mushrooms are awesome!” For some reason, they all high fived after this. How weird were straight guys?

“What did I say?” Josh said, grabbing the broom and waving it at them. “Out!”

“Hey, bro, this your dog?” The third guy – and Josh had no idea what character he was supposed to be – seemed to be referring to the werewolf he was currently petting. It was huge; it came up to just above his waist, was chocolate brown, and had glowing yellow eyes, as well as a mouth full of jagged teeth. It didn’t look like a dog, or a wolf, but some kind of comic book monster version of a canine. If the guy wasn’t tripping balls, maybe he’d have realized that, as well as the fact that the parking lot was full of them.

Transformed werewolves had none of their human intelligence, but they did have something. They seemed to understand Josh when he told them to shoo, although they only obeyed when they really felt like it, unless he threatened them with silver. And this one seemed to be giving Josh a look, something like intelligence in its eyes. Josh had no idea what it was trying to tell him, but it seemed to like being petted, so Josh guessed it was going for a “don’t ruin this for me” sort of thing.

Josh sighed. “Yes. Try not to get bit.” He had to claim it as his dog. What if these dipshits adopted it? They’d wake up in the morning with a strange naked person in their house. There was no way that was ending well for anyone.

He shook his head, and started sweeping up the crumbled bits of shattered fairy and burned chips in the aisle.

All in all, it hadn’t been that bad of a Halloween. He’d certainly had worse.


Happy Halloween, everyone!


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