Josh’s Work Diary of the Damned, Part 2

Josh’s work is never done.

(And, super subtle plug – the collection is still on sale …)

October 5th, 11:11 PM

The night’s first zombie, wearing the tattered remains of a Free Mustache Rides t-shirt. No one could have been deliberately buried in such a thing, right? I assume he was a frat boy who died during a keg stand and was hastily buried by his panicky brothers, who ran home and concocted some sort of missing person story. I’ve decided his name must be Cody, because they’re usually named Cody.

11: 20

I think I have a pitch script here. Accidentally killed frat brother comes back from the dead to enact revenge on his faithless brothers during pledge week. I’d call it All Frat Boys Go To Hell. The hero would be the gay college mascot that the guys picked on in their general awfulness, but he alone defeats the monster with his gymnastic skills and ability not to be a complete and utter douchebag. He gets the boy too, a pretty closet case jock who finally decides he’d rather be out than dead. But this is all only to save the college. All that frat dies. I’m going to burn down their house too. This script writes itself!


Googling how to write a script sends you down some weird wormholes.


A first! A couple came in arguing, which isn’t new, but I knew there was something odd about them right away. First of all, they were super attractive. Like, movie star hot. The fact that I felt a modicum of attraction towards the woman told me they were vampires. Vampires had this magnetic pull that even sexuality couldn’t completely conquer. But it was so weird because I’d never had a genuine couple made of vampires come in – to my knowledge – and to have them arguing? Unthinkable. The funny thing was, they were arguing about a party. The guy was upset that someone invited either Brad or Vlad – sorry, he had a slight Korean accent, and, showing his vampire bona fides, was talking so fast I could hardly keep up with my stupid human ears. Anyway, Brad/Vlad was a fucking asshole who stole his … something. Again, too fast, and they were at the farthest point of the store then, where the chip display meets the freezer section. The woman – who had a thick Australian accent and was even harder to follow at this speed –thought he was making a big deal, or thought Brad/Vlad was a big wheel. I needed subtitles. They came up to the counter, ignoring me completely while continuing to argue, and slammed their candy bars and bag of chips down so violently the bag exploded, sending chips flying everywhere. I got some lodged in my hair. At least they had the good manners to look embarrassed by it, and paid me extra, not bothering to get another bag of chips.


Okay, I think all the chip dust is out of my hair now. This reminded me I have to download clips of Twilight to my phone so I can show Colin what the current pop culture concept of vampires is. It’ll make him furious, sure, but if you can’t torment your boyfriend with terrible movies, how else do you show him you love him? Did I mention I’m from a broken home, by the way? I bet you guessed.

Besides, I bet Colin has a lot in common with a sparkly pedophile who likes going to high school to meet chicks. I mean, right? And so what if Colin is actually a super strong, super fast, genuinely kind of scary and not at all sparkling vampire?

I’m beginning to have second thoughts …

12: 20

The Sloshy machine is making that noise again. It’s like a growling animal in another apartment, or your stomach twenty minutes after you’ve eaten Taco Bell. I unplugged it again. Why the hell did Mr. Kwan get this? Almost no ones buys it on my shift. Then again, monsters and machinery seem to be an uncomfortable mix at best, especially this close to the dimensional divide.


So what should the hero’s name be? I mean, Josh is too on the nose. Can’t be trendy in any sense, as all the frat bros have to have ridiculous names. Tom? Too bland. Hmm. I’m going to have to think of this before I start writing my screenplay.

To Be Continued ….

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