Flash Fic – The International House of Cthulhu

The International House of Cthulhu

Yap – Where Your Opinion Is Our Business

 

 

Where’s My Husband? – 1 Star

 

We got a Groupon and went to this restaurant. It was under lit, and the music seemed to be this weird chanting, like that ‘90’s Gregorian stuff, but less musical. The waiters wore black hoods, so we couldn’t tell them apart, and the menus seemed to be bleeding. My husband ordered the Chef’s Special, and while we were waiting for our bottle of Screaming Stars zinfandel, tentacles came out of nowhere and dragged my husband to the kitchen! When I asked about it, I was informed it was part of the Chef’s Special. By the time I finished, he still wasn’t back. It’s been two weeks. The maitre’d hung up on me when I called to ask about him. Pasta was lukewarm.

 

Is Making Pancakes With Blood Even Sanitary? – 1.5 Stars

 

And what kind of blood was it anyway? The waiter would only tell me it was the blood of infidels. Is that a kind of sheep? My roommate says so.

 

 

I Didn’t Expect To Be Attacked By My Dinner – 2.5 Stars

 

I’d heard the Cthonic Noodles in Angel’s Tears was to die for, but when my dish came to the table, it was still alive, and tried to choke me! I fought it off with my fork, but I was not expecting it to still be alive. What is this, a sushi restaurant? And it wouldn’t stop screaming while I ate it. A note should be made on the menu about the serving of this item. Otherwise, not bad.

 

 

ALLHAILOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORD – 5 Stars

 

ALLHAILOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORD

 

 

Does The Screaming Ever Stop? – 2 Stars

 

We went in for lunch, and almost couldn’t finish our burgers for the unrelenting screaming coming from the kitchen. One of my co-workers said there was screaming in the bathroom too, coming from the drains. At first it was kind of funny, but then that joke got ridden straight into the ground.

 

 

Mediocre Food – 2.5 Stars

 

Anyone can claim they serve “freshly filleted souls”, but the proof is in the taste, and these souls didn’t taste fresh. While the shrieking, bleeding plates were a nice touch, presentation does not make up for poor flavorings. The casserole of Cthulhu was a pleasant surprise, though. Who knew chicken and damnation went with Skittles?

 

 

The Eyes Have Followed Me At Home – 1 Star

 

I didn’t understand what I was getting into. When I ordered the spicy noodles with Cthonic eyeballs from the abyss, I thought it was just a kitsch way of saying spaghetti and meatballs. But then there were eyes on my plate, which I refused to eat. But now I see them everywhere. In my shoes, under my mattress, in the water cooler at work, riding the subway, in my nightmares. I want them to stop? How do I get them to stop? Roach spray is ineffective.

 

 

ALLHAILOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORD – 5 Stars

 

ALLHAILOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORDALLHAILYOURDARKLORD

 

 

Meh – 2 Stars

 

Meh. When we went, they were out of the R’lyeh sanity platter. The Arkham rat hearts jubilee was a poor substitute.

 

 

Seriously, Where Is My Husband? – 1 Star

 

If you could just tell him to call, I’d appreciate it.

 

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